Friday, February 22, 2008

the stats say it all...

"When are you going to post again?" he asks me. Every time he sees me. It's endearing, in a guilt-inducing sort of way. It wouldn't bother me so much, were it not for the fact that I am particularly prone to guilt.

He is the same one who innocuously asks in writer's group this week whether or not we write because we love to write or because we want to be published. I sit back in my chair, caught off gaurd by the emotion his question stirs within me. Later I return home and check out the blog of a friend I have been remiss in reading, to discover that in my absence she has joined the blog365 movement and is truckin' along at a post per day. Again this stirring. I do not care for stirring. Not here. Not now. Not ever, as of late.

As for me, well, I've been a part of the blog-once-every-few-months-movement here lately. Fourty-five whopping posts in 2007. What does that say? I don't know, other than "my husband is in grad school and I don't have a single, solitary moment to myself and it's beginning to wear on me." But it's there, every night--that same stirring, that same draw to the computer, that same guilt, that same tension. As I am not one for dealing with emotion lately, avoiding it all has been my m.o. But a handful of you, thankfully, are not content to allow me to continue in that avoidance. And so, here I am.

At some point, for me, writing and blogging became synonomous. That was a mistake. Rather than being about "I have a neat thought/quote/picture to share," it became about needing to post because I was "expected" to post. And while I don't disdain that for others, it is not working well, apparently, for me. It began to create pressure. The pressure to post, to read, to comment, to keep up, to out-do. Too much pressure in a life already stretched tight. I dealt with it by laying down my laptop.

But therein lies the tension. The desire to write is still there. And the desire to have an audience for that writing is even greater. And so, while other friends have chosen to deal with this same quandry by giving up the blog, I am uncertain that is the path for me. Because while I want to believe that I really write just for the sheer joy of writing, the truth is that the joy, for me, comes in the sharing. And at this point in my life, this is the only available outlet from which to share.

And so share I will. I've made a few minor changes to the layout because I was bored, as was my pestering friend. If they are hideous, please let me know. What this writing thing will look like as this winter season approaches an end and graduation rounds the corner is uncertain. But what I am certain of is this--this will be a writing thing, not a blogging thing. And so my promise to myself is this--I will write. I will read. I will take pictures. And as I have the time, I will share them.

Because I need to. And because my friend won't leave me alone if I don't.

11 comments:

cj said...

you may now exhale. :)

jane said...

Glad to see you back !!!

Jack Bunny said...

Wonderful post.

I'd take it one step farther. To blog is not just to share, but to share with those "out there" somewhere ... those nameless faceless individuals who justify and/or build on my thoughts, who appreciate afresh the jokes and jabs. They are community, perhaps even family.

Welcome back. You are missed.

Your pestering and obedient friend,

JB

Kaite said...

Yay!!! I'm so glad to read your beautiful writing again! I love your touching vulnerability gentle eloquence!

Kate said...

P.S. You inspired me to post another blog. Come by when you get the chance! I value your opinion!

Kaite

lorie said...

Thanks, guys! Good to be back! And thanks for pestering me!

Lisa Biggs Crum said...

You said: "I am uncertain that is the path for me. Because while I want to believe that I really write just for the sheer joy of writing, the truth is that the joy, for me, comes in the sharing."

That struck a cord with me. I've never been one of those who say "i can't not write." I can stop writing pretty easy but I still have that unquenchable desire to share what I see around me - to stir people to think or at least look with me. Even greater than the joy of sharing is the joy of connecting because of that sharing.

Thought I was gonna need to call you for a professional appointment recently. :) Then I was reminded that journaling, blogging, writing, - for me - sometimes serves the same function as a counselor.

Maybe no one reads what I write, but the act of putting my thoughts into real words somehow seems to help the serotonin flow like the little happy face on the zoloft site says it should. :)

Thanks for confirming those little voices in my head. Oops, maybe i do need an appointment. LOL

Lisa Crum
www.grow2sow.org

lorie said...

Hey Lisa! I'm glad I'm not the only one!

So, let's talk about those voices...

(:))

Julie Morrison said...

Wow this is so awesome! You're back you're back!!!

I.I. said...

missed you!

-- Alan from writer's group, even though I haven't been at writer's group in like ... what ... six months?

lorie said...

Alan! I've missed you! How the heck are you? I'll check out your blog tonight when I have the chance!