Saturday, April 04, 2009

good reasons why i have no good reason

reasons i have no reason to be depressed:

1. i have two fabulous kids who think i'm great 95% of the time.
2. the other 5% of the time, they're not my problem.
3. i have a husband who adores me.
4. he also puts up with a heck of a lot of crap, without too much complaining. most of the time.
5. i have a job that is enjoyable and meaningful about 98% of the time.
6. i get paid well enough that the other 2% is worth it.
7. we have a roof over our heads. and it's actually fairly cute, albeit very small.
8. for the moment, we can still afford that roof.
9. i don't have cancer. or any other life-threatening disease.
10. none of the people closest to me currently have cancer--including both fathers and a brother and a good friend who are all now cancer-free.
11. i have good friends.
12. i occasionally get to see some of them.
13. i'm not pregnant.
14. i have all my limbs and organs.
15. i occasionally get to do something creative for small periods of time.
16. sometimes, i even get to do it uninterrupted by small children.
17. i can see and hear and taste and smell.
18. the stupid cat will, on rare occasions, actually sit still on my lap and purr for me, which is why he was allowed to live here in the first place.
19. sometimes, not often, but sometimes i actually read something i've written and think, "i'm not too bad at this."
20. sometimes, even more rarely, i actually think, "darn, this is actually pretty good."
21. i still have my voice. mostly.
22. winter HAS to end.
23. soon.
24. we still have a season and a half of BSG to get through.
25. our kids have developed a love for TNG. we all watch it together. all crammed on the love seat.
26. chocolate.
27. my husband does most of the house-cleaning when i'm at work on saturdays.
28. he also empties the litter box.
29. all of our parents are living and healthy.
30. we have good relationships with all of them.
31. we live in a free country.
32. we have running water and electricity.
33. we have two running automobiles.
34. we are extremely fortunate.
35. i am extremely fortunate.

This list is meant to give me hope and the ability to sleep tonight. But it only makes me feel guilty. There is no reason for this sadness that engulfs me from the moment I become conscious in the morning until the moment I return again to the numbing escape of sleep. There is no reason for feeling as if I could cry at any moment. There is no reason why I can't when there is finally an opportunity.

I have lived with this--this disease, this demon, this character flaw,whatever you want to call it--for as long as I can remember. I am sick to death of it robbing me, and those around me, of my life. I have been called negative. I have been called pessimistic. I have been called a number of things, but none of them explain why I can't shake this cloud that clings to me like stink on a dog.

There is nothing to be depressed about. Why does my God-forsaken body not get that message?


Lisa Biggs Crum said...

Thank you for this post. I love your honesty.
Have you read any of Sheila Walsh's books? I read "The Heartache No One Sees" several years ago. She is a good read for those of us who can relate to what you write in this post.

lorie said...

Thanks, Lisa. I haven't read anything of hers since "Honestly," which has been a LONG time ago. I'll check that out... Thanks!

Cindy said...

I live with it too. It's the "artists" curse. And probably because you haven't had a good dose of Cindy in a while. That's probably it.

lorie said...

THAT'S IT!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh the sadness I feel when I hear from a kindred spirit. I could blather on about all the things I use to get myself out of that place but they all boil down to the LORD. Your list of praises is a beautiful start but really each is a sub heading for another list. I love you!! Laura W.

Anonymous said...

as usual, i can TOTALLY relate... feel like these words could be my own. shoulder to shoulder with you...