Tuesday, October 11, 2005

don't know squat

I’m convinced women should pee standing up.

That is, I am convinced women should never sit down on a toilet.

I’m not a germ Nazi. This is bigger than germs. I’ve actually even been known, in moments of desperation when my burning thighs scream for relief, to actually sit on a public toilet. Thanks to my aerobics class, I can now extend that time an extra ten seconds, but not without hearing my instructor in my head yelling Feel that burn? Good! It’s supposed to burn! Nope—not about the germs. Hygiene completely aside, sitting on a toilet is just something a woman should never do. It is entirely too dangerous, only for the bravest and strongest of souls. I, for one, am too fainthearted for the challenge.

Brace yourself—you may be, too.

When a woman sits on a toilet, as women have need to do, a shocking, heart-stopping phenomenon takes place within which every ounce of fat in a woman’s body becomes glaringly visible—hanging over the front, hanging over the sides, hanging over itself. It is an unavoidable oddity. A five-foot, 85-pound anorexic model could sit on the toilet and have her stomach wrinkle over and her thighs overlap the seat, sending her back to the gym for another three hours. There is NO hope, then, for women like me.

Seventy pounds lost and I sit down on the throne and I swear it’s all still right there. Stand up, it’s gone. Sit down, it’s there. Stand up, it’s gone. Sit down, it’s there. How is that possible? You can explain the physics of it to me, but as I never took to physics in the first place, it wouldn’t make much difference. All I know is that I sit down on the toilet and I’m FAT. I stand up, and I’m not-so-fat. I’m feeling a little schizophrenic in the body image department. The solution seems to be clear: don’t sit on the toilet. Or pee with your clothes on.

But as peeing with one’s clothes on presents its own obvious issues, or at least I hope they would be obvious, it would seem that short, mildly chubby, post-childbearing women like me are doomed to feel the burn. Or endure the overlap.

I highly recommend my aerobics class. Extended my squat by ten seconds after just three weeks…


Cynthia said...

This is sooo hilarious to me. And it is so true!! I just don't look anymore. I also let myself feel the burn by squatting.
The word alone brings tears to my eyes. Great post!

amy said...

LOL! Well, actually I am a germ Nazi, but learned a little trick during my life in Eastern Europe and my encounters with Turkish toilets (aka "squatty potties"). If the toilet seat is exceeding yucky or if I just don't have the strength or energy to feel the burn, all you have to do is step up onto the toilet seat and squat. Sure, it usually leaves shoe prints on the seat, but c'est la vie! The next woman must fend for herself. :)

annie said...

I usually close my eyes... It helps. Hehe.

Jesuspcs said...

Lorie : hilarious! Since no one watches me fulfill this particular call to nature, I am secure in the knowledge that would be prying eyes are more concerned with how THEY look than how I look. Thanks for giving me something else to think about besides my aim. Is this why men stand, I wonder?Grinning....